Mighty was shocked with my reaction. We have been colleagues and friends for years then, we have been in many difficult situations and arguments but it was the first time he saw me crying, shouting and cursing. We were in my bed, he just held me in his arm, did not know what to say or how to help me. He just let me cry.
Edward was talking to me over the phone. He was haggling with me some tasks that should be done before the week ends. We actually had the same arguments of late submission of inputs for the peace camp journal. I have set the deadline early October but the program head did not respond. I kept extending and follow-uping but still the tasks did not worked as planned. Knowing my capacity, I have set my personal deadlines. I need to finish this and that on or before this date. That was my limit.
A week before the peace camp, I quited as the head of the secretariat committee and as member of the whole staff. I knew I wasn’t on the right track anymore and I had no where to go other than to go down. There were misunderstandings, miscommunication and grudges. There was guilt.
I felt the resignation buried me under the ground. It was the first time I quited and cried over a work or an activity for that matter. I have been an organizer with various activities but that did not happen. It may have appeared to the working committee that I was irresponsible but I thought I have done all I can do and had to do. It’s just that, if I haven’t resigned I did not know what would have happened to me and to the program in general. I could not work with the team anymore especially if there were gaps. To keep that “peace” advocacy intact, I chose to withdraw than to cause more harm.
It became to difficult for me to recover. My being a loner did not work. It seemed that I was really lost. There was something in me that tells me go back and apologize for being impulsive, another tells me to stand by my decision and move on, yet another tells me to get lost and lost forever in that arena of my life.
That downfall in my leadership haunted me so much. My thoughts became disoriented. I told myself that there were still a lot of things to be done and I was aware of that, with or without that peace camp. But then, I did not know where and how to start. I was really tired of work. Sometimes I caught myself staring blank.
I needed a talk and more crying but everybody asked me to stop. I think they were not used to seeing me in that state. I have always been strong. Though, I could not accept that my move was a sign of weakness. I knew I was stronger because I stood for what I know would be beneficial for me and for the people around me. Mighty realized how much strength he was deriving from me, but at those days, I just can’t lend him some. Otherwise, will go together to the pit. He needed to manage.
Then, I also realized that without those people around me, I mean those people part of my ministry, I was actually alone. My loner type of personality avoided me to establish friends in the community where I could run to. I don’t even know the tenants from the door adjacent to our apartment.
It was very difficult to recover, I was broken.
