Days after that breakdown, I took a walk to Luneta. Alone.
Luneta has always been a place of refuge for me. It is one of the places where I could dig some childhood memories — times when I was with my family, time when I go there to take pictures in front of Rizal’s monument or have picnic under the trees. Many times, I also went there to meet a group of young people for study.
But that night, all I wanted was to be with myself, with the nature and people I don’t know. The night was just between me and my God. I intently talked to Him, talked to myself. What are you doing to yourself? What’s happening with your dreams?
There weren’t so many people then, it was a fine Wednesday evening. My direction was so uncertain; I wanted a cup of coffee but not a cafe was in the area. I continued to walk and let my feet take me to places. My cellphone was out of battery and I did not know if that was good. People might be worrying about me and c not contact me; but then, I need not worry. I was the time I had with myself.
I walked around in my office attire and my new haircut. I felt a little better after letting go of my long hair. I look up the sky, which like my burdens, is endless. It was dark and there were no stars; the moon was neither there. There were so many astray cats and dogs, which made me think if I was also astray. It seemed that I was running away from life.
My colleagues in the youth ministry of our church is all that I have. They are close to me and I can tell them what I feel; but since I have created a gap between us, I was already alone. I did not want Jong to be burdened, I was confident that the situation will soon pass and time would heal the pains. I did not have any other people to run to. I did not know where my friends were or if I have friends. All I had were my thoughts, I was alone.
I sat on one of the benches aiming to clear my thoughts and lessen the burden I was feeling. There was a group of high schoolers in front of me. They were laughing and playing and laughing again and playing. I wonder if I can join them, I missed being at their age when I could still be care free.
I tried to scribble some thoughts in my journal but I just could not continue. I was so drained and I couldn’t think of any sentence to write. Unlike the last time I was there alone, I made a very long sort creative non-fiction. The silence then was a great inspiration to unleash my creativity. But this time, I could not even complete a sentence.
What seemed to be talking to me was the song played over the loud speakers surrounding the park. Don’t lose your way with each passing day, you’ve come so far don’t throw it away… If we hold on together, I know our dreams will never die… God might have been talking to me to hold on to Him. I did not know how to reflect, I was suddenly empty.
As soon as I walked out of the park’s green lawn, everything seemed to be coming back to me. I wanted to stay but I needed to go. It was a long dark night at kilometer zero.
